open letter

I know you are never going to read this and I don't care. I want to get this off my chest so I'm going to. Who the hell did you think you are treating me like shit and then half apologizing like it was my fault you treated me the way that you did. I know you think that in some way you are better than me but in reality you're not. You lack compassion, empathy or any other emotion. You live your life cut off because you are afraid of getting hurt. So instead of getting hurt you go and hurt other people. I can't imagine living a life like that and I'm glad I don't. I never truly forgave you for the shit you put me through and I have lived for a long time holding all these emotions in because I was afraid of making you mad. I don't give a flying fuck if you are mad at me. Your opinions mean nothing to me anymore. I'm not crazy, I was addicted to a complete asshole but I wasn't crazy and the fact that I can walk away from you and live a wonderful life without your emotional control means that I have finally moved on from you and your dumb ass foolishness. I don't wish anything bad for you and even though you claim to care for me I know now that you never really liked me and that's ok because I never really liked you either.

The Best Revenge

Random Thought.

I wish I could say that I'm the one that saw that things between Randon and me were not working out, but atlas, it wasn't me. It was him. I really wanted to be the one to let go, but I guess I wasn't strong enough. I'm glad he did though. I'm glad he let go. It's been a year since I have seen or contacted him which by my estimation, counting all of the other "no contact orders" we have given each other is pretty impressive. This last time is different than the other times. This time it's final. I know that he won't contact me again and I'm sure I won't do the same. I know now that we aren't good for each other and we both deserve to be happy.

Now on to the post

I have had a lot of people ask me if I ever wanted to get back at Randon for all the things he did to me (all deeds shall be revealed in future posts). They are asking me this now and not years ago where the answers would have been drastically different. I have never been the one to exact revenge on someone by Maury Povich means like keying a car, or hacking in to emails, voicemails and the like. I have never been into trying to humiliate someone for the sole purpose of making myself feel better. For one, it never works you never feel better you feel like outdoing the shit you did. Another reason, I don't go to jail or get sued for anybody (I may have momentarily lost my mind when I was around Randon but not completely). I do understand why people do things like that though. I've dreamt about doing some of that to him myself. You have devoted time, energy and part of your heart to someone only for them to treat you like shit. You want them to feel like shit. I get it darlings I truly do.

I have another path for you to follow:

Sometimes the best revenge is to live well. I don't mean put yourself in debt trying to buy all the latest goodies because you feel bad because some boy doesn't like you. I mean LIVE. Get out and enjoy life. Start to do something you have always wanted to do or something you enjoy doing before Mr. Unfortunate walked into your life that you dropped because he walked in. This Randon thing has been a back and forth reaction since 2001. This is the first time that I started to do things I wanted to get back into like dancing and going out with people that like me, and meeting new people that like me. Yes I know what I just proposed does not involve humiliating mr. unfortunate, but guess what, it doesn't involve a rap sheet either. It also doesn't involve what most conventional revenge tactics is almost always tend to do: humiliate yourself. Sometimes the best revenge is walking down the street enjoying a laugh and running into mr. unfortunate while your doing it.

xoxo Lil darlings

KC

Abuse? or not?

They say that when someone builds you up one day only to tear you down the next, that it's a sign of abuse. I always wondered if Randon was an abuser. Would he think that his behavior was abusive? Would he think that I deserved it because I was extremely co-dependent and clingy with him? Would he think that MY behavior impacted his? He would do that a lot. Tell me how sexy or smart or talented I was one day, only to effectively take it all back the next. There was nothing that I could do or couldn't do to make him stop, short of not talking to him. In hindsight I should have done just that. Being around him always felt uncomfortable. I'd always second guess myself. Thinking way too hard about mundane things, hoping that he would look at what I wore, or heard what I said, or saw what I wrote and think "wow she's pretty cool". That never happened.

I'm the first one to admit that I'm not "normal". I live inside my head, literally.  When I was younger, to get away from my reality, I would read books. Lots of books. I would always take in the most minute details of what I was reading. I could imagine the places, the smells. I could feel the cold or the extreme hotness that the climate brought. I lost myself in books. As I got older I started losing myself in my mind. Because of my active imagination, I could and can say things that don't make sense. A thinking out loud if you will. My true friends just laugh at all the asinine things I say (and I do say some pretty asinine things). "That's just Kerry" and we keep talking. Sometimes my thinking outside my head ends up being really good ideas and saying them out loud gave them life. For Randon, my outside thinking was his way of making me feel inferior to him. He was so much smarter (not really) than me. I was so lost in him and in myself that I never questioned anything he said either to me or about me. He made a comment and I would try not to make the same "mistake" again or be more mindful of what I said. It became exhausting and as much as I thought I loved him (I really didn't), I didn't like the person I was when I was with him. As much as I didn't NEED him, I felt like I did. No matter how much I tried to just be me around him, it never worked. The moment I was in his presence I became this "other" person. Someone I THOUGHT he wanted. All he wanted was someone who was comfortable with themselves and would actually tell him to "Kiss their ass" if he said something that was stupid, offensive, or whatever. I just wasn't comfortable with who I was yet. In some ways I'm still not...

Bad Romance

I was told by him never to talk about our relationship, not in public anyway. He didn't want people to know what he did to me. "I don't want you writing about me." That's what he said right before he fucked me. Yeah that's all it was a fuck. Over the past eight years that I knew him, Randon would come to completely encompass my life. He claimed he didn't want that, but I know that he secretly enjoyed it. I would lose what little of me there was to him. I wasn't that strong. I wanted to be strong and I had made myself believe that if I got a good guy, a guy with a good “resume” I would be fine I would have arrived…that didn’t happen. This isn’t a sob story about how I was done wrong by a guy. I want this to be a reflective learning experience for me and for anyone who has ever been through this type of relationship. It’s so easy to blame the other person when you are just as much to blame as they are. I know that now. I know that I was equally responsible for the way he treated me. Randon and I were two good people who became drugs to each other. We became a toxic bond and that is never good. I don’t believe in my heart that Randon is a bad person; he just did really horrible things to me and to other people. I know many people will read this and say just get over it. Well, this is my way of GETTING over it. Hopefully, it can help people to look at themselves and see when they are in a “bad romance.”

Until we meet again,

Kerry